5 years ago, Alan and I decided to start a family. I kinda figured that it would happen fast. Every other woman in the family has no issues with having a baby. I was young and naive. I remember for almost a year, every single month I took a test. Every single month a got a big fat negative. After that, I knew it was time to see a doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor told me I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and sent me home with about 35 pages of information.Thanks doc. I sat in the car that day crying and trying to figure out how I was going to tell Alan.
The doctor gave me Clomid and yet again, being naive, I knew that was going to work! I called family and told them soon it would be our time. 6 months later, still nothing. The PCOS was getting worse. We moved to Kansas and I got the pleasure of seeing many doctors, having tons of test ran,having so much blood taken I actually passed out, being bounced from doctor to doctor and at the end of all that, I was told to lose weight. My first thought was to choke to the doctor. It seems that it is always the answer to women with PCOS, lose weight. The fact is, women with PCOS have an even harder time losing weight. PCOS causes weight gain. Not all women with PCOS are overweight. In Kansas I was not really given many options when it came to health care.
Then we decided to adopt. Went through the whole process and to make a really long story short, The office did not get the homestudy completed before Alan deployed. When Alan returned from Iraq, we knew we would only be in Kansas for a short while so starting the process again in Kansas was not practical. However, in between all of that, we got our hopes up on a potential adoption. When it did not happen, my world crashed hard. We had so much ready for this child. I remember staying in my bed for a while and then eventually packing away all the little things we bought.
Now, here we are in Texas. I do not really know where my heart is right now. I know I am grieving. I am trying to find that place where I can say that the infertility does not define who I am. I have said many times, "Just put on your big girl panties" The thing is, sometimes I say that and I get up and move on and yet my heart does not. When we are ready, we will pursue our options. Right now, I am going to work on me. I have to realize our plans have not went as we wanted and I have to let go of my plan. I have to realize I do not know what the future holds and no matter how much I plan, that wont change.
What I need from my family and friends is so important. I know you all love and care so much but I just need you to listen and tell me you are here for us.When I am ranting or coming to you for a shoulder to cry on, I need you to not offer advice I just need you to listen and let me know you are for me. I do not need you to tell me that you know its in Gods plan for us to be blessed with children. You are not god and you do not know his plan for us. I also do not want to hear that perhaps its just not our time.We love you all.
