Timing..Charting...oh Fun!

Okay so FINALLY my body has decided it does not want to hate me as much this month. I have went full force this month, supplements, timing, temperatures, opks...the whole freaking nine. I am kinda surprised I have not went insane yet...then again I did discover my first grey hair recently....but that is for another time .

So I feel like a crazy woman at night. I lay out my the lovely BBT thermometer that I drove to 3 stores across town looking for, my chart and pen and make sure my alarm is set for the same time every morning..7:30. You know, gotta make sure you take the temperature at the same time.  The next morning I am waking up, my eyes sticking together because my contacts are so dry, I am sticking the damn thermometer in my mouth and who knows when it will ever beep. I am sure I usually like doze off or something waiting for it to go off. When it finally does, trying to see those numbers is a complete joke. Thank god I noticed the memory setting. Now I do not even have to try and read it!

For those of you that do the whole charting...yeah....you can probably feel my pain. Analyzing the shifts in temperature, racking your brain trying to determine what those temperatures even mean and then the opk's. Wow..mine are just crazy. Dark and the lighter and then nothing at all and then ooo hey look its a dark line again. Yup..that has been my month. It's okay though because if all this insanity even has the possibility of leading me to a baby, then I will do it :)

Day 1 Metformin

I went to the doctor Wed. and she decided to try metformin again. Due to the side effects, I am not very happy BUT I am going to stick with this as long as I can and try to blog about my experiences. We are hoping that the Metformin and the Vitex will help with the PCOS and aid in weight loss. From that point, it may be possible for us to conceive naturally. If not, then IVF will not be as risky if I can lose some weight.

Day 1 Metformin and Vitex
I slept in today. Took 500mg of metformin at 12:00, with lunch. I also took 400mg of Vitex.
Upon taking the metformin, I felt as if it did not want to go down. (nerves I am sure) So far, no feelings of nausea.

Moving Forward

Tomorrow morning will be the first time I see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the past, I had to see who our insurance told me I could see. Even though infertility treatments are not usually covered, some prescriptions and testing is.  I usually saw an overworked ob/gyn who did not seem to have the time of day for me.

Right now, I am nervous beyond words. I know that tomorrow is the first appointment but its the first step to something beyond basic infertility treatments. So many thoughts are running through my head, I do not even know which ones to wrap my head around. Everyone says to take it one day at time, which I do. But that never stops me from having moments where I just want to know the future.

I do not really know what to expect with this new doctor and this appointment but I hope its more than what I have gotten in the past. I hope that she is willing to actually help. We want to be parents more than anything in this world and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there. This journey has been rough already and I know with these more intense treatments, it will likely only get harder. I am so glad though I have an amazing husband and support system that will be there for me and for us.

A letter to our Friends and Family

I want to say thank you to those of you that have been there for us through all the ups and downs with our journey. I know at times my emotions can really be all over the place. I felt like I needed to put say some things and explain some things so that is the purpose of this. Thank you all for taking the time to read it.

5 years ago, Alan and I decided to start a family. I kinda figured that it would happen fast. Every other woman in the family has no issues with having a baby. I was young and naive. I remember for almost a year, every single month I took a test. Every single month a got a big fat negative. After that, I knew it was time to see a doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor told me I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and sent me home with about 35 pages of information.Thanks doc. I sat in the car that day crying and trying to figure out how I was going to tell Alan. 

The doctor gave me Clomid and yet again, being naive, I knew that was going to work! I called family and told them soon it would be our time. 6 months later, still nothing. The PCOS was getting worse. We moved to Kansas and I got the pleasure of seeing many doctors, having tons of test ran,having so much blood taken I actually passed out, being bounced from doctor to doctor and at the end of all that, I was told to lose weight. My first thought was to choke to the doctor. It seems that it is always the answer to women with PCOS, lose weight. The fact is, women with PCOS have an even harder time losing weight. PCOS causes weight gain. Not all women with PCOS are overweight. In Kansas I was not really given many options when it came to health care. 

Then we decided to adopt. Went through the whole process and to make a really long story short, The office did not get the homestudy completed before Alan deployed. When Alan returned from Iraq, we knew we would only be in Kansas for a short while so starting the process again in Kansas was not practical. However, in between all of that, we got our hopes up on a potential adoption. When it did not happen, my world crashed hard. We had so much ready for this child. I remember staying in my bed for a while and then eventually packing away all the little things we bought. 

Now, here we are in Texas. I do not really know where my heart is right now. I know I am grieving. I am trying to find that place where I can say that the infertility does not define who I am. I have said many times, "Just put on your big girl panties" The thing is, sometimes I say that and I get up and move on and yet my heart does not. When we are ready, we will pursue our options. Right now, I am going to work on me. I have to realize our plans have not went as we wanted and I have to let go of my plan. I have to realize I do not know what the future holds and no matter how much I plan, that wont change. 

What I need from my family and friends is so important. I know you all love and care so much but I just need you to listen and tell me you are here for us.When I am ranting or coming to you for a shoulder to cry on, I need you to not offer advice I just need you to listen and let me know you are for me. I do not need you to tell me that you know its in Gods plan for us to be blessed with children. You are not god and you do not know his plan for us. I also do not want to hear that perhaps its just not our time.We love you all.

Loss

Several months ago, a family friend came to us wanting to adopt her unborn child. I told myself to not get my hopes up, things change and this could be one of those things. Then came the day we saw the 4d ultrasound pictures, I knew then that this was real. I came back home and decided that we might need to start getting small things for him. He would be entering the world soon and we needed to be prepared.

We got bedding, beautiful cream colored bedding :) We bought the cutest rocker with a little snail attached. Friends donated jumpers, clothes, books and high chair. Everything felt so real. I knew this was it, we were FINALLY going to be parents.

About two weeks, I had this feeling that things were not going to work out. No specific events really but I just had this gut feeling. Then, I got the message. The mother sent me a message telling me she was sorry for changing her mind but she just couldn't do it. My heart sank. I lost my breathe. I felt like somebody had punched me in the chest.

There are so many mixed emotions right now. I am glad that she has decided to get things together and raise her son but at the very same time I feel like this chunk of my life has been ripped out. I know that I should not have gotten my hopes up and I should not have put so much into it but at the very same time, how do you not?

Right now, I do not know how to move on. I guess just one day at a time is all I can do. I am now scared to begin again and I am emotionally drained. I am just not sure where to go from here. What is the next step? How does one begin to recover?

Update

When Alan deployed, I decided to come back to Georgia for a while. I must say that my feelings are so mixed on my decision. Had I stayed home, we would be fostering right now. HOWEVER, I do know that God does things for a reason and I fully believe that perhaps me trying to raise a foster child while Alan is deployed may not be in Gods plan. When you are fostering to adopt there is always a chance the child may not be able to stay placed in your home. I know that God has a plan for us. I believe that. I also know that Alan and I will become parents when the time is right.

It breaks both of our hearts that we were not able to get more of this adoption process completed before he deployed. When he returns home we will be starting on it ASAP. Please keep us in your prayers and every other couple going through infertility or trying to adopt.

Class two

We had are second meeting with the Social Worker yesterday. The lady we are working with right now is so sweet. We both for comfortable with her. I know me personally was a little intimated by the whole process.

  The classes are not to bad. Lots and lots of reading. I have a feeling though the deeper we get into this course the more the classes will go into detail of cases. I know listening to the cases will be hard but I know that they are real. It is what really goes on in the world and awareness is what we need.